When You're Gone

Your laugh that had captured everybody's heart
Seems just yesterday still around
Your heart that reached the corner of the world
Seems just recently still shines
Your words that a music for those many people
Seems just few moments still echoing

Everything was gone
Wiped away
With no trace
When you had cast no shadow upon the path anymore
When you had faded away into oblivion
When you had disappeared into nothingness

When you're gone
There will be no more laughter
There will be no more soft spoken words
There will be no more fierce power
Like there is no more tomorrow

Darkness
That make presence
Dullness
That make appearance
Vaguely lingering
Seeping through the diminished sun rays

You are still needed
Still wanted
Always longed
For eternity that will surrounding this world
Miss you and your existence
To bring the smiles back again

One Day

This day, the one we are going as two
To become one
Because we are meant to be together

You will give me the shelter, becoming my rock, and cherishing
I will stay under your wing, providing balance, and nurturing

I was made from your rib
To be taken as your wife
The one that will help you
To be the true you
You were made to be next to me
The one that I will call my husband
To lead me in this life
To bring the essence of my presence out

Our story will be written upon the skies
Adorned by rainbow after the rain
Decorated by twinkling stars during dusk
Burnt to live by the sun on broad daylight

Hoping that this love will lasts forever
Hundreds, no
Thousands of years to come
And let our names whispered to describe eternal love

Is it hard to love me

My hands was asked to hold yours
To walk together this life will offer
I was happy
I was elated
Then you start to turn around

You said that being with me is no longer necessary
No more happiness
No more joy
He started to walk away
From me and our unfinished story

Is it hard to love me
To feel all the feeling that brought us together before
Is it hard to love me
To hold our hands the way we used to be
Is it hard to love me
To face the world being a couple

I will not beg you to stay
If my plead caused you pain
I will never ask you to be with me
If my presence no longer needed

I hope you will find your happiness
Another story to be written with other heart
And let our past wiped away
Just like footprints in the sands
Erased by the upcoming waves

Liburan

Yup, dua minggu liburan. Dari Denpasar ke Gilimanuk naik bus, lumayan dapat patas. Gak gerah karena pakai ac. Agak mahal tapi nyaman. Sambung naik kapal feri ke Ketapang. Sempat ngopi sebentar di dermaga, sekalian memori masa lalu. Masih ada juga anak koin. Kalau dulu seratus rupiah, sekarang udah gak laku. Kulemparkan beberapa koin ke arah mereka. Limaratusan. Kulihat tawa mereka. Hatiku menangis, demi koin koin itu mereka mempertaruhkan nyawa. Lepas dari dermaga, aku memilih angkot jurusan Banyuwangi kota. Ada satu tempat yang ingin aku kunjungi. Biasa, nguprek kuliner asli. Nanya sana sini, dapat informasi rujak soto terkenal. Naik becak dari terminal, aku sampai di depan sebuah warung kecil. Bersih, rapi, ramai. Berarti nggak salah informasinya. Plang besar menunjukkan beberapa menu. Ada rujak soto, pecel rawon, sego cawuk, dan sego pindang. Nanya ke mbak pelayannya, boleh gak milih separuh. Separuh rujak soto, separuh pecel rawon. Boleh katanya. 

Jepret sana sini waktu pesananku datang. Biasa, bahan buat tulisanku nantinya. Suapan pertama rujak soto bikin aku melayang. Ternyata enak, pake bingits. Pecel rawonnya mantap. Masih lapar, aku lanjut dengan sego cawuk. Nasi yang disiram kuah kelapa, dengan lauk pilihan. Aku memilih pindang ikan, telur separuh, dan dadar jagung. Kali ini full portion. DI depan meja kasir ada beberapa piring besar berisi makanan kecil lokal. Langsung sepiring tanggung wader dan udang kali goreng, tahu petis dan peyek rebon pindah ke mejaku. Masih sempat juga aku mengambil krupuk putih seplastik. Krupuk kancing katanya. Ternyata nggak salah, warung ini terkenal. Semuanya enak. Bintang tiga setengah. Bukannya pelit, tapi aku selalu memberikan penilaian ke warung sebagai tiga atau tiga setengah. Belum pernah empat. Aku dengan pendidikan yang cuma SMKK terjun sebagai food writer. Lulusan tahun sembilan delapan Sudah stw. Sudah waktunya memiliki keluarga. Apa daya, cintaku tertinggal di Malang. Tujuanku selanjutnya. 

Tiba di Malang aku langsung menuju hotel tempatku menginap. Hotel kecil, bersih dan dekat tempatku sekolah dulu. Seputaran Celaket. Ada rindu mengoyak hati. Ingat ketika SMP dulu, jajan lewat jendela kelas. Ingat juga pohon kenitu di dekat lapangan basket. Ingat juga Cungkring. Lelaki impian. Dua tahun lebih tua dariku. Dialah yang mendukungku untuk masuk SMKK ketika tahu betapa bencinya aku dengan matematika dan pelajaran eksak lainnya. Matematika itu momok buatku. Aku tidak suka angka. Tapi aku mencintai tepung, gula dan garam. SMKK dianggap pilihan anak buangan. Anak bodoh tepatnya. Tapi aku cinta dunia kuliner. Meskipun awalnya orangtuaku kalap me dengan pilihanku, mereka akhirnya menyerah. Terakhir bahkan mendukung ketika aku menjadi juara di beberapa kompetisi. Semester akhir kelas tiga, aku mengirimkan resep ke salah satu kompetisi memasak internasional. Hadiahnya beasiswa ke Singapore. Aku gagal jadi juara, tapi  aku ditawari pekerjaan sebagai asisten juru masak keliling. Promotional chef. Kerja untuk beberapa perusahaan. Mulai dari bumbu masak, panci, sampai terakhir sepuluh tahun lalu aku bekerja untuk sebuah  website khusus traveler. 

Selama bekerja sebagai promotional chef, aku juga rajin menulis di beberapa majalah. Review makanan, restaurant, bahkan sempat tulisanku tentang traveling dijadikan serial di majalah terkenal. Setelah tulisanku dimuat, aku diminta untuk bergabung di TravelMarket. Enam tahun aku bergabung di website sebelum aku memutuskan untuk berhenti. Aku independent writer sekarang. Home baseku di Bali. Di daerah pinggiran kota Denpasar, sebuah rumah kecil lengkap dengan isinya. Dengan seorang asisten rumah tangga, dan dua ekor anjing aku merasa hidupku begitu nyaman. Hingga aku lupa memikirkan pasangan hidup. Terlena oleh assignment untuk pergi mereview kuliner. Sudah banyak tempat kujelajahi, bahkan tahun kemarin aku sempat sebulan keliling Eropa. Review kuliner Indonesia di beberapa negara. Assignment yang kuterima dari kementrian pariwisata lewat TravelMarket. Biaya hidup, ongkos perjalanan dan sedikit uang saku. Lumayan bisa melihat Amsterdam, Lucerne, London, bahkan sempat dengan uang sakuku sendiri aku ke Lourdes.
Di Malang aku ingin pergi ke beberapa tempat yang sudah lama ingin aku kunjungi. Sekolah lamaku, pasar klojen, pasar tawangmangu, Batu, Sengkaling, dan beberapa tempat lainnya. Tujuan utama
adalah liburan dan ngulik makanan. Tujuan keduaku? Aku ingin pergi ke tempat Cungkring dulu
pernah membawaku. Giliran pertama, bakmi gang djangkrik. Naik angkot ke restaurant yang di daerah Blimbing. Masih tetap rasa yang dulu, gak berubah blas. Kelar yang di Blimbing, aku balik hotel. Nanya ke resepsionis, ternyata Kupang Lontong di Cipto masih. Kalau mau jalan cuma sepuluh  lima belas menit. Menyusuri Jalan Cipto diriku dipayungi oleh pohon kenari yang berjajar rapi. Kupang, lontong separuh plus heci. Minumnya es legen. Wah, serasa balik ke jaman dulu. Sempat ngobrol dengan mbak pelayan, nanya tahu campur dekat pasar klojen. Kurang tahu, jawabnya. Ya sudah, toh hari ini rencananya juga makan malam mi dukduk. Ingat Cungkring. Beberapa kali malam mingguan di sana. Murah meriah enak. Apakah aku masih bisa mengingat dia? Ketika kita sudah berubah. Mungkin dia sudah berkeluarga, punya anak anak yang pasti dia sayangi. Lengkap dengan seorang istri yang cantik.

Malam ini aku mulai mereview beberapa catatan kecilku. Mulai dari Banyuwangi, makanan yang ditawarkan di kereta api, sampai ke mi dukduk. Catatan ringan tentang kuliner atau cerita perjalanan ku tulis di blog pribadi. Sementara yang review makanan di blog lain, dengan link ke TravelMarket. Tengah malam ternyata perutku minta diisi lagi. Biasa karung beras gini, suka mangap minta tambahan. Ke resepsionis, nanya nanya. Ada bakso tengah malam. Depan hotel mangkringnya, enak sih kata si mas. Langganan tamu. Tapi pakai bab1, karena yang jual turunan Tionghua. Coba ah.
"Mas mau bakso semangkok, boleh pilih isi nggak?" Tanyaku ke masnya. Dua buah bakso, tahu isi, usus, pangsit, siomay, dan bihun. Ada tetelan plus sayur cay sim. Masih kurang. Tambah dua bakso, usus, siomay plus pangsit. Puas. 

Chinese Bride

Part IX

I have to move to other room while my own is being set up to accommodate two people. And since my brother's room is vacant, my sister designed to joining those rooms. With additional space, I can have the study room I really long for. I already choose the new furnitures and next week they will finish it. Every morning I call Mujin. Talking about many things. Planning about the wedding. My mom already busied herself trying to figure out what kind of wedding I need to have. I am still thinking on my projects. Seeing Jeon very carefully, and teach him how to deal with many things. Then the invitation come. On the very same day with my wedding day I need to attend the restaurateur awards. A yearly event to congratulate the best in categories. Personally I was nominated for two awards, one for best chef and the other for best black box competition. The best chef is for the bistro type of restaurant while the black box is the one when the committee brought one box of ingredients, and the chef need to cook on the spot on that day. RSVP, I check on the box saying no. I am not going to waging war with Kun Ge or our families. 

My parents want to have a big wedding for me. With more than 300 hundreds invitations. I want to have smaller. But they vetoed my choice. I am the youngest, so my parents need to have a big one as a sign for closure. No more wedding afterward. Besides, they want to show that finally I am the one branded as spinster will be married with someone rich and famous. I have a godfather. My father closest friend. I used to be his private chef when he is having fishing trip. Two days on the weekends. Once every two months. When he hears that I am about to be married, he send me a gift. A pair of expensive watches, and a set of diamonds jewelry. With invitation to have dinner together for Kun Ge and I. I was invited for a talkshow together with Kun Ge in Beijing. But I declined. I am not celebrity.  Then one magazine contacted me to have my wedding featured in their bi monthly wedding section. I declined as well. I don't want my life be scrutinized. I am not that kind of person. One day, they will know me. But not under so many flashlights. I don't think that being married with Kun Ge will bring me too many headaches. I prefer to have another restaurant to be open rather than this. 

On the wedding day. After eight weeks of preparation.

I don't know, but lately I feel that I am so easily to get tired. I lost my appetite. And I also miss my last month period. I used to have irregular menses. Because of stress, because of tiredness. And right after I was proposed, suddenly poof. I stop drinking and smoking. That is my promise to myself. But today, on this very important day I feel that I can't stand anymore. I feel that I have no power even to lift my arms. But the red qipao and the matching shoes are waiting. Along with my groom. I put my light make up on, and try to wear my wedding dress. As per our agreement before, this is only for signing papers and few pictures to be taken for the press. Then family dinner afterward. I try my best to look better, and to conceal my fatigue. I do everything quite smoothly until the last minutes. But when the door for press conference at one of the hotel was closed, I fainted. Lucky Ken Ge ready to receive my lifeless body before reaching the floor. Using the service elevator he brings me upstairs to my room. Our families are already waiting at that suite to have a little drinks before dinner, but when they see Kun Ge carries me they start to worry. My sister in law is a doctor. And she starts to check on me. Kun Ge offering me a glass of water but after taking one sip, I almost run to the bathroom. I vomit. Kun Ge follows me to the bathroom and helping me. When we emerge from bathroom after fifteen minutes, our families are laughing and grinning. Mujin brings me to her embrace. And my mom pat my hair. 

"Tomorrow morning check your urine." My sister in law tells me while handling me a test pack. I just look at Kun Ge face. 

Holding hands, Kun Ge and I waiting for the result from the test pack. Two lines. A pregnant bride. I grin to him. So, here we are. Two future parents. We opt to skip breakfast to go to hospital. Need further checking. The waiting seems hours but actually it is only ten minutes before the doctor meet
us. After checking my urine one more time with blood test the results are the same. Calculating the last period I had, the doctor tells that I conceive for six weeks. Then by sonogram we can see two
little dots. Not only one. I am going to have a pair of fraternal twin. Back in the hotel, I show the picture to Mujin and my mom. I feel that I need to readjust my life again. Being a bride, not yet a
wife. Then without further ado need to prepare myself being a mother of two. How can this happen, I am consider a hopeless person. Never think that I will be able to conceive only few weeks after loosing my virginity. Poof, suddenly a bride. Boom, next is being a mother. Our plan is not to wait for  having baby, considering our age. But this instance? I feel the urge to turn back the clock, and reconsider to have safer sex with him. It is not that I am not happy, but I also feel the urge to turn back the clock and take the other way around. 

Lembar Baru Dalam Hidup

Bertahun lamanya aku tercerabut dari akarku
Pergi meninggalkan kehangatan rumah
Meninggalkan semua yang selalu kurindu

Aku pergi tanpa pernah ingin kembali
Tanpa ragu ataupun bimbang

Tapi desakan kalbu selalu mengingatkanku
Akan esensi keberadaan diriku
Tentang siapa aku

Aku akan datang
Untuk sekelumit cerita perjalanan
Sejumput keceriaan

Aku telah bersarang di tempat baru
Pahit, suka, duka, tawa
Telah menawanku

Lembar baru dalam hidupku
Telah kubuka
Dan Akan ku tulis cerita baru
Kisahku yang utuh dengan tawa dan canda

Hatiku Bukan Pualam

Hatiku terbuat dari darah dan daging
Punya rasa
Punya rupa

Ketika kau berubah menjauh dariku
Hatiku berdarah
Tanpa pernah mengiba
Tak pernah memohon untuk menetap

Hatiku pernah pecah
Dan serpihannya telah aku kumpulkan
Kurekat dengan tangis
Bukan karena sedih
Tapi karena amarah

Hatiku bukan pualam
Dan ketika ia retak
Takkkan pernah sempurna
Kembali utuh tanpa celah

Kulukis dengan goresan baru
Kuhias dengan sepenuh raga
Agar hatiku takkkan pernah terluka kembali

Aku lelah menjaga hatiku
Kepada siapa akan kutitip
Sehingga takkan pernah pecah

Hatiku bukan pualam
Jagalah dia dan bahagiakan
Rengkuhlah dalam kedamaian



Edisi: mencari pasangan hidup

Masih Ada Waktu

Terlalu lama batinku terluka
Terpasung dalam rindu
Terlena karena rayuan
Sebuah bibir berulas senyum
Sepotong cinta tak berujung

Masih ada waktu
Masih ada masa
Masih ada kelu
Cinta yang rapuh
Cinta yang tertinggal
Cinta yang terhempas

Seratus hari lagi
Jantungku takkan lagi berdenyut
Seribu hari lagi
Ragaku takkan lagi berbentuk

Hilang masa
Hilang waktu
Hilang rasa
Tentang cinta
Tentang wujud
Tentang hati

Sebuah jalan menuju terang
Menuju kedamaian
Takkan ada rasa, takkan ada cecap
Tentang sakit, tentang hidup

Aku ingin mati
Mati untuk hidup kembali
Bagai Fenghuang

Maka bakarlah tubuhku
Tiupkanlah ke segala penjuru
Dan aku akan kembali



Note:
Fenghuang diambil dari mitologi berabad silam. Seekor burung, berbulu indah, bersuara merdu. Hanya akan sekali menyanyi, menandakan era baru. Setelah itu mati, terbakar, dan dari abu akan terlahir kembali.

Chinese Bride

Part VIII

That night in front of his parents, his brother and my family that came from Seoul without me knowing, one more time Kun Ge proposing me to be his wife. Whirlwind of feelings bring me to the decision. 

"I know that you are the one for me. I know that our family are bound to be together. And I realize that I really love you since we've first met. Two months will never be enough to organize our wedding. Two months will never be sufficient for me to think about my professional life as the owner and chef of four restaurants. I need more time to organize everything. That is why, I accept the proposal but to wed will need more time. I hope everybody will understand." Is my answer. My decision. I can't just go and leave everything behind. 

"Let us make agreement. In papers, on that day you will be my wife. You may stay in Seoul until you arrange everything accordingly. You said before that your love eager sacrifices, so I will leave Beijing for a while just to be with you. My concerts schedule will be the same, but I will take residency in Seoul." He answers. Mujin gives me the new necklace, an official proposal from Yang Jia to me. I can't say anything, I am not able to sound my opinion on how things will work.

Back at his apartment, I started to scramble my contacts and send e-mails to them. Especially my lawyer because he is also the CFO of the company I owned. Asking him to start to prepare my legal papers to obtain marriage certificate. Either for Korea or China. Only wearing the necklace and bathrobe, I sit next to Kun Ge at the bed. We start to talk on how we are going to take care of our marriage. One leg of mine still wants to be in Seoul, while the other eager to take position in Beijing. Being his wife. I look at him and he knows that I am still distracted. He pulls me into his body and assuring me that everything will be okay. He tells me that I may still want to stay in Seoul for a while, and he already talked with his manager and devising plans on his schedules. I also promise him that I
will stay in Seoul for maybe about five six months because I still need to take care of renewal opening of Starlight. Further than that, I still don't know.

When it comes to our money, we had talked that we will have prenuptial agreement. His and mine. Not because we don't want to loose our own earnings, but because it will be best for us.
"Lian I am thinking to buy new apartment. Want to chip in?" Teasingly asking me the question.
"You buy the lot, I buy the furnitures." My answer. Then he shows me the apartment brochures he already had in mind. A penthouse. A low rise apartment. Or maybe a townhouse in the suburbs. Actually I also had browse several and had few enquiries. Penthouse crossed, because I don't want to stay in the tall buildings. We decided to have four or five lots. We choose to check on the townhouses first. The are two we think will be best. Three and four bedrooms.
"Ge, do you think we move too fast?" I ask him.
"No, considering our age." He starts nibbling my ear.
"I know that I am quite old." I say, and starting to move away from him. I am a bit sensitive with my
age.
"Hey, what's wrong?" He asks, trying to reach me.
"I don't like people talking about my age. I know that almost forties, I don't have the youth you might seek." I reply.
"Sorry. For me young woman never attracts me. I like someone like you. Have maturity, wisdom and stable." He reaches me and put me into his lap. "Besides, I am the one you gave me yourself for the first time. That is really matter to me." He whispers in my ears.

Back in Seoul, I start to check on my options with my lawyer. The proposal will be to have one executive head chef to replace me. Then, I will just be an owner. Best candidate is my second in command, Jeon. Offering him the position is hard. Not because he is incapable, but my heart still wants to be chef. Reshuffling rooster with him, I know that he is really eager to take up the position.
"Chef, I know that it might be hard for you to release the position. But am I not having proven track
record in this company? "
"I know that you are capable, that is why you are my second in command. But it's not because of that. I am scared actually to be married." Yes, I am still afraid to stepping up my life into a married one. I was so free before. I am able to move freely here and there.
"Chef, que sera sera." Is Jeon answer. Then we come to the agreement, mutually decided that I will be  handing over the job to his hands when we reach the end of his probation period. This time, it will be his turn to become the Executive Chef for the four restaurants. I will covering him in Starlight for the preparation, while he doing rounds for the other three. And see whether he can cope with the job. I am working towards the renewal plan with my restaurant manager, sommelier, and pastry chef alongside with my chief baker. Opening few positions, starting the new menu, and work closely with my lawyer for the handover.

Chinese Bride

Part VII

The way he treated me last night was something I really hoped. Gentle, caring and passionate as well. I broke into tears when I realized that because of love he treats me so delicately. He cuddled me into sleep while I am still shivering from an alien feeling I have inside. He whispers soft words of love. This morning I woke with my head still on his shoulder, with his arms surround me. I try to shift my body but he keep me closer to his.

"I need restroom." I walk to the bathroom, not aware that I am still undressed. I fill the tub with hot water, thinking to have bath with lots of bubbles. Then he come. Like a stallion eager to mate with his mare. Brushing my shoulder lightly he then just brushing his teeth. I step on the shower room, pouring hot water into my body. He follows. Taking me. With the same tenderness as last night. Shaken by new experience, he then carries me into the tub. Immerse in lavender scented bubbles and hot water. 

I have breakfast ready in fifteen minutes. Only crocque monsigneur, fruit and vegetables juice, and coffee. Busying himself with his gadget, he waits for the breakfast to be ready. We plan to go to Forbidden City and have dim sum for lunch later. And after that have to go to airport to pick up his parents. Dying to meet his mom again. Got a tad of scared to meet his father though. We have reservation to have family dinner in one restaurant. Also with his brother. 

"How long a wedding can be prepared?" He asks while having breakfast. 

"What do you mean by wedding?"

"Our wedding. I know that you plan to have vacation next two months. Why we don't use it for our wedding?" He asks again

"We are just having this new relationship, and now you are asking me to wed?" I ask. 

"Lian, are you aware that we are having unprotected sex?" He reminds me. 

"Then?" 

"Are you not afraid that you might be pregnant?" 

"I have to see your parents first, ask for their blessings, and if they say okay then we plan for the wedding." He mutters some words that I really don't understand. I start to take the plates to wash when he suddenly put me into his lap. 

"Don't be stubborn. Marry me within your next holiday." He starts caressing me. 

We end up at the sofa. And losing times to see the Forbidden City. Opt to skip visiting the palace, we just going for our lunch. Few flashlights here and there we choose not to be annoyed. Choosing our dim sum from the cart become somewhat a little fight. 

"Sorry, but last night is my certain image I need to preserve. The truth is I love eating. Back off with my choices." 

"Dim sum supposed to be eaten as snacks. Not lunch." He says. 

"This is my snacks. Next is the dragon beard noodles I am dying to taste." I really have big appetite because I really love food. Either cooking or eating. We end up still ordering some more and the dragon beard noodles? It's really delicious. I even choose some desserts to go. Heading to airport we are still debating on our wedding. I feel we need more time. While he wants to have it early. 

"Why we don't ask the date from the temple?" I ask him. He veered to one alley, and find the small temple. Asking direction, he is told to see the abbot. Twenty minutes after that on the way to the airport I open the paper the abbot gave us. It is stating our compatibility, our perks and our wedding date. Nine weeks from today is the best date. Or we need to wait for another year to wed. When we stop at the airport parking lot, he makes few phone calls. 

I sit next to his mom behind and start chattering like bird. His father kind of preserved. Back in apartment, he put his parents sitting in the sofa directly. Handing over the paper we had from the temple's abbot. Then his father handing him another paper. Another results of our compatibility. Exactly the same date. I am miffed. Then his mom or Mujin I call her hugging me. 

"The wedding will take place on that date. The reception in Beijing will follow on later date." Kun Ge telling me. My brain is spinning around. I have business, I have my life in Seoul. What will it be for me after the wedding take place. Sure I need to be with him. And I want to. But without perfect planning for arranging my life? I really need some time to think, to manage my time. 

Ketika Angin Berhembus

Aku limbung
Terhempas oleh dua pilihan dalam hidup

Aku ingin ibu
Yang bisa merawatku sampai aku besar
Sampai aku bisa menjadi orang

Tapi aku juga ingin ayah
Yang mampu menuntunku
Membimbingku hingga aku tangguh

Keduanya tak bisa kumiliki seutuhnya
Aku hanya bisa mempunyai satu diantara dua

Di balik tirai
Ibu menangis
Ayah mengepalkan tangan

Keduanya menanti
Keputusan yang bisa membuat hati remuk

Kupadamkan harapanku
Kutepis semua pilihan yang ada
Karena aku tidak mau menjadi algojo
Yang mematikan setitik harapan di sudut hati terdalam

Aku memilih mati
Meninggalkan jati diriku
Melepaskan semua urusan duniawi

Ibu adalah cincin kawin
Ayah adalah karir

Aku memilih biara

Chinese Bride

Part VI

Beijing, a very big city. When we landed and taxied I am still trying to save someone's life. Gun Ge gave me the support I need to balance my body. Wondering if I didn't there what would that be. My heart still trembling from the experience. My legs still wobbling from the effort I did to stay up and keep pumping her chest. And I know that Kun Ge's hands are still shaking from when he put his arms bracing the sides of the chair, steadying me. I told the paramedics about the exact time I started administering the CPR. They also change my pad and tube with the new one, as rules stated to replace used instruments. I handed over my license card and they jotted down the number and validity. Embarking the plane, I know we are consider lucky. Seeing those strong winds pounding outside the building. Kun Ge asks me to collect our luggage while he retrieve his car. He will wait for me at the exit gate. Our luggage was collected by the airlines ground crew because we were the last passengers to retrieve the luggage. And they assigned one crew to wait for me to collect. I was handed over with letter from the airline, and even got a goodie bag. Profusely, the airline rep saying their gratefulness for me to help the situation. 

I ask Kun Ge to stop at the nearest supermarket from his home. Need to buy some ingredients for tonight's dinner. When I ask him what he has at home, he says that he don't know. Choosing some meat, and vegetables I plan to make simple dishes. Also buy rice, spices, sauces and some fruits. Hope that he has rice cooker, pots and pans I need. Knives, I have my own. Tucked nicely at the bottom of my luggage. I put my groceries inside the car while Kun Ge talking with someone. Finishing his conversation he starts the engine. 

"Ge, can I talk to you something?" 

"Okay, I will listen." 

"Are you expecting me to be virgin?" 

"Are you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Expecting the same?" At that time our conversation stopped because we had reached his apartment building. I bring my groceries bag to the kitchen while Kun Ge put the luggage into his room. I knock his door and since it was open push it wider. I see my trunk is there. Not wanting to interrupt his phone conversation, I go outside and sitting at the sofa. 

While waiting I text my mom, saying that I had arrived and now already home. My heart pounding uncontrollable while my hands are lifeless. To ease my nervousness I venture to see his collection of pictures. Then moving outside to the balcony. He is still inside his room.
"Lian." He calls from behind. I go inside and closing the door.
"Ge, you have nice view from here." I say, hiding my awkwardness. He lead me to the sofa.
"Are you okay?" He asks. Holding my hands in his lap, playfully he touch the ring on my finger.
"What time do you want to have dinner?" Answering his question. He put his lips near my ear, and whispering a question. Blushing, I just bob my head a little. He laugh seeing me blushing. He planted a kiss on my head, and tapping my hand he take his cigarette and lighting one. I take mine, and lighting one as well. In the midst of smoke that swirling in front of us, we are taken back to our own mind. I left him at the sofa, and heading to the room. I take my toiletries bag into bathroom and start to clean my light make up. He follows me. He stand behind me and look me through the mirror. He put me next to washbasin. Sitting there, waiting for his next move.
"I am not going to take you if you are not ready." I put my head in his shoulder, feeling relieve.

I cook dinner for us after unpacking my luggage. Retrieving my knives bag from the bottom. I plan to cook one soup, one meat stir fry and one vegetables. Supposed to be enough.
"Ge, do you want anything else?" I ask when he is back to the kitchen after shower.
"Do you have other?"
"Fish?" Noting the pomfret I still have inside the fridge. He nods. He opens one bottle of wine and let
it breath for a while. After putting everything on the table and waiting for my steam fish to be ready, I dash to the bathroom. I can hear the soft music he play on. Collection of several Chinese artists. He
hand me over a glass of wine. Clicking our glasses, I sip a little before I take the fish out from steamer. We spend dinner, talking about his next concert in Beijing next week. I hope I can go. Nodding his approval of my cooking, he ate like he is famished. Only one  little complain. The rice is need more water. I don't know the rice I use, because it's different than the one I used in Seoul.
"I like softer rice. Not because that you can't cook." He says. I offer for some fruits if he wants. Strawberry and grapes. After cleaning the table and washing the plates, I join him at the sofa. Seeing one of talent show. He used to be one of the judges. But this year he opts to sit out as he is having the tour concerts. I lean my head onto his left shoulder, and he put his arms around me. Bringing me lay down. His kiss is so soft, and his touch to my back make me shudders. Venturing furthermore, he starts to touch. Nothing rush, nothing harsh. Only delicate hands.

Continuing for part VII

Aku bukan perempuan utuh

Hari ini tepat setahun hari ulang tahunku yang kedua. Setahun pas setelah dokter memutuskan untuk mengambil bagian keperempuananku. Vonis dokter empat bulan sebelumnya mengatakan aku mengalami prolapse. Vonis yang membuatku terhempas ke titik nadir di usiaku yang hampir empat puluh ini. Aku mencari second opinion dari dokter yang lain. Bahkan dengan salah seorang profesor di negara tetangga. Prognosis yang diberikan sama. Prolapse. Aku mencari rujukan melalui dunia maya, mencari tahu apakah memang satu satunya jalan adalah dengan mengambil rahim dan tuba falopii. Aku menyerah ketika aku harus menghadapi kenyataan setelah dokter keempat mengatakan hal yang sama. Ada seorang dokter yang menganjurkan penggunaan pessary ring, dengan konsekuensi aku tidak bisa mengangkat beban berat lagi. Meskipun aku masih ada kemungkinan untuk hamil dan melahirkan. Pilihanku ada dua. Lengkap, utuh tapi berhenti bekerja sebagai chef. Atau membuang bagian rusak diriku dengan tetap menjalani profesi sebagai juru masak kondang. 

Pilihan terbaikku adalah menjadi setengah perempuan. Karena aku tidak bisa meninggalkan usaha yang sudah kurintis bertahun lamanya. Aku cuti dua bulan dari dunia kuliner. Menyerahkan manajemen ke asistenku. Sebulan kugunakan untuk menyembuhkan luka fisik. Dan bulan kedua, total untuk luka batinku. Dokter yang kupilih untuk merawatku adalah dokter Bian. Duda beranak tiga. Temanku SMA dulu. BFF istilah modernnya, tapi teman sekelas menjuluki kami kembar dampit. Dialah yang pertama tahu kondisiku ketika aku sering mengeluh sakit pada bagian perut bawahku. Bian tahu kondisiku karena profesiku mengharuskan aku untuk mengangkat benda berat. Bukan karena sebab yang lain. Pertama ada sedikit rasa malu ketika aku harus naik meja periksa. Iya lah, sahabat sejak kuda gigit rambutan, sekarang mau nengokin private part? 

Hari tanggal operasiku kujadikan hari ulang tahun keduaku. Hari ini, hari aku dan Bian sepakat untuk menghabiskannya bersama. Persahabatanku dengan Bian membawa kita selalu bersama. Susah senang selalu berdua. Ketika dia kehilangan Rosa tiga tahun lalu, dia menangis di pundakku. Dan ketika aku harus merelakan kedua orang tuaku pergi bersama menjemput maut akibat tertabrak truk tanki bahan bakar. Bian juga yang menopangku ketika aku menjalani operasi. Merawatku sampai sembuh dari luka fisik sampai aku kuat menerima keadaanku. Aku kenal baik dengan Rosa, bahkan kita sering berlibur bersama. Hari liburku sering kuisi dengan memasakkan makanan untuk keluarga Bian. Anak anak mereka yang masih kecil kecil membahasakan diriku sebagai bunda. Sementara Rosa adalah Ibu.
"Jadilah bunda untuk mereka seutuhnya, Lis." Bian pernah menyatakan kepadaku satu saat.
"Dan membiarkan Rosa di surga menangis, melihat kita menikah? Jawabku.
"Rosa pasti me ngerti, apa lagi pesan terakhirnya memintamu untuk menjaga kami." Sahutnya.
"Menjaga bukan berarti kita harus menikah khan." Pungkasku.

Agnes, Eliza dan si bungsu Frans sudah menunggu kedatanganku dengan manisnya. Rencananya berlima kami akan pergi ke tempat pemancingan ikan di daerah Tabanan. Sekalian ke Tanah Lot, sorenya. Yah hari libur gini paling enak memang mancing. Dapat gurami atau lele, tinggal minta ke dapur untuk dimasak buat makan siang. Kolam pancing Tedjo tempat langganan kami terkenal bersih dan rupa rupa sambal yang ditawarkan. Apalagi bu Tedjo sering membuat penganan kecil khas Jawa. Ada gathot, grendhul, putu mayang, serabi kuah, bahkan cenil dan horog horog pun sering ada. Belum lagi menjes, mendoan atau tahu isi. Biasanya seorang dipatok harga dua ribu untuk makanan ringan, plus es teh tawar. Lumayan, murah meriah. Dua jam kolam pancing juga sama, dua ribu. Kalo dapat gurami, sekilo lima belas ribu. Kalo lele sepuluh ribu. Sudah termasuk nasi putih, lalapan, dua jenis sambal, dan tumis sayuran. Kalo minumnya es teh tawar, gratis. Segentong juga boleh. Tapi pake bonus sambitan sendal kalo segentong. Ramainya celotehan mereka bertiga membuatku meringis menahan tawa. Si sulung Agnes tiba tiba bersuara keras.
"Bunda kenapa nggak nikah sama Ayah aja?"
"Iya Bun, biar kita bisa punya ibu lagi." Tambah si tengah Eliza. Frans tahu tahu sudah pindah ke pangkuanku. Dan memelukku erat.
"Frans mau Bunda." Katanya lirih. Tiga anak berumur empat sampai delapan tahun itu memandangku.

Hari itu aku menangis. Apakah mereka tiga malaikat kecil yang dikirim Tuhan karena Tuhan sudah mengambil rahimku? Haruskah aku mengambil langkah untuk menerima pinangan mereka. Setelah ayah mereka gagal memintaku untuk menjadi istrinya. Jujur, aku takut. Takut hatiku mengkhianati Rosa. Merebut Bian dan anak anak darinya. Aku juga takut menjadikan Bian sebagai pelarianku. Karena mana ada laki laki lain yang mau menerima perempuan setengah utuh seperti aku. Doa Rosario dan Novena Tiga Salam Maria tidak juga mampu menenangkan hatiku yang berkecamuk. Akhirnya aku pergi ke Romo Yoseph. Pembimbing rohani sekaligus kepala parokiku. Kutumpahkan semua kisahku kepadanya.
"Lisa saya hanya bisa menyarankan. Bukan memutuskan. Bukalah hatimu, sanggupkah dirimu menerima tanggung jawab sebagai ibu sambung. Sanggupkah dirimu menerima Bian bukan sebagai sahabat, tapi sebagai suami." Jawabnya sabar.
"Rosa?" Tanyaku.
"Rosa sudah di surga. Tidak ada kaitan dengan kalian." Jawabnya lugas.

Malam itu aku menelpon ibu Rosa. Meminta beliau untuk menjawab tanya dalam hatiku.
"Ibu, ini Lisa. Sahabat Bian dan Rosa di Denpasar."
"Bunda Lisa?" Tanyanya.
"Iya ibu. Maaf kalau mengganggu, tapi ada yang mau saya tanyakan." Jawabku. Aku tidak kuat menahan tangis.
"Lisa, ibu tahu kenapa Lisa sampai menelpon ibu. Soal lamaran Bian dan anak anak khan? Tanyanya lagi. Aku menumpahkan airmataku, banyak.
"Ibu tahu dari Rosa tentang dirimu. Tentang dekatnya dirimu, Rosa, dan juga Bian. Ibu juga tahu, kalau ayah dan ibumu sudah meninggal." Katanya lagi. Kenapa menyangkut orangtuaku menimbulkan setitik tanya. "Maukah kau menganggap ibu sebagai ibumu?" Tanyanya lagi.
"Ibu." Aku memanggilnya lirih. Malam itu aku menemukan seorang ibu. Bukan pengganti, tapi ibu sambung. Menyambung cinta seorang anak kepada ibu, dan ibu kepada anak. Dan dari situ, aku tahu setiap tanya dalam hatiku telah menemukan jawabannya.

Epilog

Di depan altar aku dan Bian saling mengucap janji pernikahan kami. Saling menerimakan sakramen perkawinan. Dalam hati, aku juga mengucap janji pribadiku. Kepada anak anak. Bahwa aku akan menjadi bunda mereka. Menyambung cinta seorang ibu kepada anak. Di depan patung Bunda Maria, aku berlutut. Mendaraskan doa pujian sekaligus memohon pertolongan agar aku bisa menjadi seorang ibu seutuhnya bagi Agnes, Eliza dan Frans. Sebentuk tangan tersodor di depanku, menawarkan cinta dan kehangatan. Tangan Bian. 

Chinese Bride
Part V

This morning I need to send my boyfriend back home. Wanting to spend some times together we are having breakfast date at the hotel's restaurant. Philippe the hotel chef like always keep his eye into everything. Especially my solitaire ring on my left hand.

"Do I need to ring the bells?" He teases when I am still in the buffet table, choosing some viennoiserie. I bring him to my table in the corner and introducing my other half. Philippe is gay, already married with his Spaniard husband about a year ago. I went to their wedding in Sevilla, it was romantic. Wondering if I can have the same romantic wedding as theirs. Finishing our breakfast, then straight to the reception desk for check out. In the car Gun Ge asks if he needs to keep an eye on Philippe. 

"He is gay, already married with Juan a year ago. I am the one who will be jealous if you are getting 

close to my best friend ever." I laugh seeing his expression. In our culture, this kind of relationship so many times frowned upon. But I had spent five years in Swiss and my way of thinking is different. As long as they are happy, heterosexual or homosexual is no longer prevalence. 

In front of the airport terminal as usual a lot of press are gathering. Try to look if they can find news to be put into tabloids or tv gossips. I know that he might be okay with those people, but it is something I want to avoid. I had bad raps with them when they tried to probe my life before. When I had my relationship with winner of most eligible bachelor few years ago. The flashing flashlights fall upon us when they realize it is a famous singer from China exiting the car. Plus me as his escort, I believe they have their field day. Gun Ge says sorry and holdings my hand tighter lead me through those paparazzi. He is checking in at the first class airline desk. Not aware that my sister handing me my flight ticket. My luggage already checked, all I need is just this. She even manage to send one of her chauffeurs to pick up my car. She also securing our seats to be side by side. My parents already approved my going to Beijing with him, and I told my second in command I am taking a week off. Those restaurants can operate without me, because I had placed the head chef in each of the restaurants. While my second in command is the executive sous chef. Hierarchical, I am the head, then my second in command and next is the head chefs. 

We have to wait for one more hour for boarding. He is checking in to enter the waiting room. Wave me goodbye in front of it. I let him going first. When I can't see him anymore, I proceed with my own. I bought two bottles of wine at the duty free shop, and when I see him at one of boutiques I step inside. I step on the other side of table display when he looks down. I take his hand and hold it tight. I am so happy to see his smiles. He gives me a Burberry shawl while I am giving him LV cigarette case. The one with different compartment for lighter. Near our gate, we plop down to sit. In front of us there is a mother with two toddlers and one infant. A twin. Make my heart melts seeing them. I know that one day I want to have twin even dreaming to have them. While the mother busy with the infant, the twin start to fret. They want to go to restroom while the baby still need to have her bottle. I am offering to help, much to Gun Ge astonishment. We are strangers yet it is easy for me to lend a hand. I start carrying the baby gently with my left hand, while my right keeping the bottle in position. When the mother come back she look at me gratefully. She bring the baby to rest room to change her diaper. While the twin is left under my care. I take my bag and inviting those boys to follow me. I buy them soft toys, and coloring books with the pastels. Profusely, the mother saying countless thanks to me. 

Our flight is delay for the last minute. A torrent rain suddenly coming, and for safety the pilot was told to wait for about few minutes. I don't mind the waiting as long as we are safe. But some of the passengers start to make queries on how long we will be stranded inside the plane before take off. I chuckle hearing that. We just need to have to wait for half an hour. When the plane steadying the flight,  the purser start to offer some drinks and handing over the menu. This airline once contacted me to feature my signature dish for their Seoul Beijing flight. And there it is, Reconstituted Chicken Kung Pao. I choose to have it to check whether the taste is still the same. I offer one piece to Gun Ge and tell him that the menu is my signature dish. 

"When you are in Beijing will you cook for me?" One of my ways to care for him is to cook his food. Breakfast lunch dinner. Tonight I promise him that I will cook our first dinner together. Few hours into flight we start to descending when suddenly the turbulence shaking our plane. Lucky everything are stowed away already. One of the passenger in first class start to hyperventilating. Afraid for her condition despite the seatbelt sign on, I go to her side. The purser help to put her chair into lie flat when she starts to loose her pulse. Heart attack. 

I was trained for first aid and certified for CPR made me ready to face this kind of situation. I grab my little purse from my bag. Containing the pad and tube for resuscitation. I start the CPR by checking her pulse one more time. Pumping her chest, count until ten then start blowing the tube. The plane still descending. With quite frantic turbulence still shaking the plane. Almost lost my footing when Gun Ge supporting my body straight. The purser taking defibrillator and start to administer the pad and connecting the cable. When it's clear, he push the button. Once, twice, until three times to no avail. I can feel that she has faint almost gone pulses. So I keep pumping her chest. Don't want to loose her. The plane started to have landing sequence. The purser needed so I tell him to leave us alone. Gun Ge still trying to steady my body by putting his hip next to mine. Barring me from slipping. We are facing the same dangerousness of being knocked down by landing and strong wind that still pounding our plane. But considering the woman life's we don't care. I can see that one ambulance readied at the Tarmac. And when the paramedics approaching me after we landed safely and taxied I know that she will be okay. 

Continue to next Part VI

Chinese Bride
Part IV

Morning just come. And I had been awake since let night. Thinking of what will happen next. His words still echoing in my ears. At six as usual I come down to have breakfast with my parents. 

"Can I have family meeting today?" Replacing my usual greetings I ask. "Actually I want both of you to skip working today, if there is nothing important." Of course both of them are shock hearing that. Never in my life I asked something like that. Not even when I have to be rushed to hospital for breaking my left arms. I continue saying the reason, and almost begging to tears rejecting the whole family to come. Only my parents. 

"If he wants to come, let him come. Your dacie and gege also have to come as well." My father vetoed my rejection. Soon my mom calling her secretary and my father rush to text his assistant. Skipping works for their youngest daughter. I send message to his phone, and hoping that he will be prepared for the upcoming situation. He will come after lunch when we talked last night. And asked me to go with him for somewhere around ten. 

He asks me where to go to buy jewelry. He wants to buy something. I opt for shop my friend owned. A small jewelry boutique. Not really expensive, but the designs they offer is more to my liking. Simple and elegant. He chooses one pair of white plaited gold bands. Set with medium size chain. Asks me to choose my own engagement ring. I chose one pair I like. One for me paid by him. And the other one is my purchase. We still put those rings inside the boxes. Waiting until our parents will say okay for our purpose. I show him the Starlight. Have lunch there, and telling him about the plans I have for it. At two, my mom calls. Everybody are waiting. I drive the car to my house. Slowly. Dreading the time we will face my family. He starts to loosen his earrings. I stop him. 

"Let them know who you are 100%. I never care of appearance."  I don't want him to loose his identity. I love him just the way he is. When we stop in front of my house, he just looking at me sternly.

"I love you and let me do the talk with them." 

I bring him in front of my parents. Introducing his name only. Then I move aside. He starts to explain who he is. And the purpose he is coming to meet my parents. My sister sit next to me, holding my hands for support. His bold actions saying the marriage proposal for me to my parents make me realize that he is really the one. 

"My mother already fell in love with Lian few months ago. When they first met during that matchmaking event. She is the one who urge me to know your daughter. And she is right. I love your daughter with intention to marry her. And  I am asking for your blessing." He present my parents with the necklace. "This is not formal proposal, as my parents will do it on later dates. It is only for Lian and I to start our relationship." By doing that, all he asks is for my parents to give me permission to become his girlfriend. 

"Lian." My father calls. I step in front of him. Then my father taking my left hand and put it into Kun Ge right hand. "I give you my daughter. Be good to her as I am good to her." Then he embrace the man I love. Gun Ge put the necklace around my neck. Formally, in front of my family I am his. 

My family pour all of those questions like heavy rains. They want to know who he is. When my brother knows that he likes motorbike, they start to talk endlessly about tire and piston. One thing that  

strange is when my two dogs lean on his legs. My previous boyfriends always got bitten or even peed when they have their first encounter. Maybe they know that this man is really love me. I am feeling content that my parents accept him. Even my brother in law like him. 

"Finally someone can conquer your heart." My sister in law tease me. I pat her belly gently and wish that next year I will have my own baby bump. In the midst of everything, Gun Ge hand me over his cellphone. Mama, he says. I talk to her for about five minutes, promise her that I will meet her in Beijing. Gun Ge pulling my ear and say that his mother is in his hometown. Not Beijing. I forgot that his parents are still in Baotou, Nei  Menggu. 

That night after family dinner I am going to send him back to his hotel. I stop the car in one of the park nearby. I give him the ring I had chosen. And he give me my ring. I make a vow inside my heart. To love him and care for him. I ask his mother number. When he asks what for, I just say that I'm going to call her sometimes. She is the one I need to connect if I want to win his heart furthermore. And besides, she is the one actually who made us being a couple. And I also believe that I have  to start paying her attention she has to have from her future daughter in law. We separated in front of his hotel door. When he tries to bring me inside, I shrug my shoulder and let him know that I will do when we are in Beijing. This is the hotel I placed my restaurant, so I have to follow the rules of not being seen with the guest inside the room. I wave him good bye with promise to send him to the airport tomorrow at ten thirty.

Continuing in Part V

Chinese Bride
Part III

It seems so right to be with him. But still, I m not ready to take the next step. I have lots to think, and I am still holding my own rules. No bed until we know each other furthermore. I tell him that I am having my period for a reason. So he back off. What we have now is merely lust, and I don't want to have one night stand. He understands, and sternly he looks at me.
"If you are willing for bed, I will crush your heart. Because I also have the same rules. Let's see if we can have proper introduction and start our relationship from there."
We spend the rest of that night back in the pool deck. See the sunrise together, and talking about our past. We both know that we have our own jobs that mostly will separating us. He will be busy with his 32 shows in various cities, while I will have to take care of my business. Nearly seven o'clock I am going back home. And my mom already called me for dozen times. I call her while I'm in the taxi, and say that I will be home in few minutes. I have message from Kun Ge as I call him now, only one icon of sleepy face. I reply with the same icon.

Next day, I invite him to go for Sora for another bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. My Gastro Pub regularly have some artists coming for drinks and foods. So when he comes there is no commotion, besides tonight we are packed. I choose to have one of the private rooms as the main hall is screening soccer game. It is so usual during Saturday's and Sunday's nights to have sports game. Mostly soccer, even sometimes tennis and baseball also take place. Defying the definition of pure Gastro Pub, I also have several rooms to accommodate private conversation. I already order few foods and the wine. We spend few hours through foods and two bottles of Cabernet with talking more about our life. He invites me to come to Beijing for few days when we can match our schedules. He has more restraining agenda, so I know it will be me who has to follow his. I put his timetable into my iPad and browse my own. Find five days I can squeeze, inside. And make promise that I will come on that day. Tonight is his last in Seoul and tomorrow he will be back to Beijing. Time flies, unaware that at one am this place already close. Bringing back those plates, bottles and glasses we are exiting the room.
"Chef, OC already." My manager says while Kun Ge taking his wallet out. OC means they will deduct my account and I just need to sign the bill.

We say our goodbye in front of the hotel. I tell him to call me before his flight tomorrow. Then I go. Still inside the taxi, he calls. Singing two verses of his newest song. I laugh all the way back. At home, my parents are still awake. Waiting for me.
"Where have you been for two nights in a row?" My father asks when I had sit in front of them.
"Meet my boyfriend."
"Do we know him?" My mother asks. I explain who he is. Maybe it will be hard for them to accept him as my family from different background. My father is banker, while my mom is an attorney. My brother is soon taking over my father's role while my sister is an architect. Besides he is from China while I am here in Korea. I don't even know if our relationship will last so I take little step at a time.
It's still new, still vague.
"Are both of you thinking to be married?" This question is the one I dreaded most.
"Dad, Mom. This I don't know. We haven't talk that far. Yes, I promise to visit him next month on fifth. Marriage is still far away I think." Defensively I try to placate them not to think further.

In bed, I am still thinking on how to deal with these feelings I have inside. One part I really want to be with him, while the other part I don't want to loose everything I have. When I can't sleep I always end up in front of my desk creating new menus. But not tonight. I put his music on with my iPod and listening to his voice through headphones while I am soaking my body inside warm bath. One thing that nobody knows. I am still a virgin. My previous two boyfriends never laid hands on me. That's the reason they left. I want to have my first with someone I really want to. And I have come to the decision that it will be Kun Ge. I want to know his reaction if he finds that I am untouched. Suddenly my phone beeping. A message from Kun Ge. He cancelled his flight tomorrow and he asks if it's possible to meet my parents. I jolt from the tub, and grabbing my towel, I start to dial his number.
On second tone dial he answers.
"I am not going back to Beijing before I can secure the future with you. Be ready and wait for me tomorrow."

Continue to part IV.

Chinese Bride
Part II

Approaching the buffet table, someone tap my shoulder. Turns out the woman I was talking to.
Smilingly, she presents me her son. "Lian, meet my son. Yang Kun." Turns out he is the famous singer just finishing his performance. Still sweating, he is trying to wipe it from his forehead. I am trembling, first because he is looking at me. Second, because I am his fans. I love listening to his songs. Soon we are talking and even sharing the same plates of petit fours. I don't know why, but I find that he is amusing. Telling me stories about his concerts, his life as performer. I just listen. Not a peep of words come out. We exchange phone number at the end of our conversation. I never think that our conversation will have the continuing series. For me it's just merely once.

Three months later.

Busy with The Café, I already forgot the event and my encounter with Yang Kun. Rave reviews from critics about this new baby make me proud of who I am. The food they said have four star quality, while the price might be over pricey it's worth every cents. I put the price a bit higher than other restaurant, not because I want to have better profit margin. It's because of the place this restaurant in. The boutique hotel itself carries the weight I need to bear. The image I present for this restaurant is quite high. So, the price following the image. Actually this restaurant is the last restaurant I am going to build. No more. As I want to make my first, Starlight to have its own boulangerie and patisserie. And because I am venture to have part of second floor of Starlight to be sort of wine bar. I also have the offer to have next land parcel to make Starlight double in capacity. I borrow money from my father to buy the land, and put my own reserve to make the building.

Still in talks with the architecture company, but I already have the perspective of Starlight will be. I opt to have the new building back to back with the old one. With kitchen in its center, and the dining area for 3/4 part of façade. The other1/4 will be divided for big boulangerie and patisserie. The wine bar will be on the new building second floor, joined by open air dining area and private rooms on the old building. Then to make rooms for bigger pastry and bakery kitchen, I decided to move the offices for the third floor on new building. With that plan, I choose to close my restaurant for two months. All staffs will be having their paid holidays, and if paid holidays used up they will go to help my other three restaurants. All in all I am pushing everybody under my rooster to take the paid holiday they still have. Including me. Still have two months to go. I was wondering where my holiday will end up. My father told me that even though I have the holiday, does not mean that I can take the whole month doing nothing. There are still my other three babies to take care of.
"Dad, I know that since I am the owner I have to take responsibilities of those restaurants. But rules still rules. Holiday is holiday. Besides, those managers and chefs are capable of doing their job."

That night, someone call me in my cellphone. Unidentified number.
"Lian, it's me Yang Kun." He is in the city, performing for a concert yesterday. I want to go, but I am busy with Sora, my Gastro Pub.
"Hey, nice to hear from you." I am still projecting my mind on monthly food cost report from all of my restaurants. He invites me for drinks at his hotel bar. Food cost? Better have a glass of Merlot then. I say bye fleetingly to my mom, noting that I will be home late. Going to his hotel, I opt to take taxi. As I know I will not be able to drive later. I meet him at the bar and we order one bottle of merlot. One bottle turns into two, and when the bar closes its door. We are moving to the poolside decks. He asks if I want to have something to eat so he can order through room service. He doesn't know that I own one of the restaurant there. Ara, my seafood restaurant. I bring him through the back door with my own key. Then I tell him, that the restaurant is mine. He is flabbergasted. I cook for him  a bowl of seafood soup. Risotto and pan fried salmon with mustard cream. I even manage to steal two pieces of gateaux chocolate from the pantry. Cleaning everything behind, and closing the gas pipe
done. Then I jot down a note to Pierre, my chef. Stating that I have emergency use of the kitchen, sorry if I make mess. When I turn for the light switch I brush his body. He takes my chin and plant his lips upon mine. Sort of yanking my body, he press me into the wall. Nothing rough, but something romantic. I hold him close as he is to me.

Continuing to Part III

Chinese Bride

I am on the verge to tears when I realized that I have to attend this matchmaking events. I am 37 almost 38 years old woman. And my parents are afraid that I am no longer have the urge to get married. Busy building my own restaurants. Professionally I already owned three restaurants, with next one still in the making. My next baby will be The Café, a 40 seats restaurant nestled in newly built boutique hotel yet about to open two months from now. I am happy with my life as it is. Even though I am not having my own family, I have those staffs that I consider as one.

My mom busy preparing my clothes to wear for the event, from sundress, shoes, until my accessories. She even chose my stockings.
"Mom, I don't need you to choose everything for me." I tried to dodge her choices.
"If I let you choosing your own, you will end up wearing those pants again" she is referring to the suits I have. I was born as a woman, but since I am able to choose my own clothes I always opt for pants and shirts. I do have several formal dresses, even I have some qipaos to wear for family occasions. Even though I use chef clogs during working hours, off times I use ballet shoes even high heels. My mom did it for me because of her love, and diligently I comply with her choices. And I know that her choices are the best for me.

Born and bred as Chinese here I am, always listen to what my parents told me. Not because I was reared to always following orders, but this is what I call filial. I read so many books about culture as part of my understanding process of my ancestry. One of my favorites is The Analects. Kept reading those Confucius teaching over and over again. I know that among three siblings, only me had read those books thoroughly. My eldest sister loves those imaginary world of middle earth, wizardry and
even earth after apocalypse. While my brother, none other than cars and bikes, typical boys. Both are
married and blessed with their own minions. So far I have one niece, one nephew from my sister. While from my brother, I have two nephews and one niece. I also heard that my sister in law is pregnant with her fourth baby. Me? My babies are those food empire I built with tears and blood. Even though I envy to have my own baby to cuddle.

The event I am about to attend is having a bit of international auras. The organizer was inviting persons from China, Hongkong, Taiwan and South Korea. Purposely for Chinese descendants to try to find their love ones. We have to attend the event with our respective parents. Maybe the elders was afraid that we singletons will have raunchy party instead of matchmaking. At the beginning of the event, girls was presented with their ability in being a good wife. While the boys with their respective jobs. Discrimination???? Not really, I think. Even though I want the emcee said that I am a chef with four owned restaurants. Then we have to start to talk each other, mingling and doing games. I feel alienated as I realized, this is not my world. My circle of life is really different than this. I feel awkward. The organizer invited one famous singer from China for entertainment. Himself is still
single in his forties. Wonder if he wants one bride for himself.

I was talking with one of the attendees. A mother of someone. We talked so many things, about life, my jobs, and my perspective in this event. My parents was baffled seeing me talking with a woman when I am supposed to talk with men. Hey, finding a husband can be through his mother right? Then my mom presenting me with a man of her choice. Engaging me in conversation, I know he is smart but not my type. I prefer someone with good sense of humor, understanding and self composed. Truthfully my type I really want have to have three qualities. Merely basic things I really hope. Taller, older and have a decent job. And presentable. No need those polished teeth, gelled hair, and designers outfit. If he is handsome, I consider myself lucky. I left that man as soon as I know that he needs a trophy wife, not someone he can share his life with.

To be continued, part II

When I fall in love


Will love give me strenght for my weary minds
Will love offering me happiness I long for
Will love conquer all of the doubts I had inside
And will love appease the anger I feel for so long
Will I ever found the love I am looking
When I am afraid to fall

From love I had before I can only find one sided part
Brought me hurt and tears
Gave me hard times and weeping eyes
And darkness that cast no shadow
Even though the scorching sun had burned

Others said that love is many splendored things
Laughs and smiles
Whispers in the middle of the night
Countless of memories that will never fade away
Spiraling into kaleidoscope of rainbow

Love as I know
Made me fool
Triggering anxiousness
And halting my steps
To become the true of being self

Japan and being Japanese

I had been staying in Japan for more than 7 years. Was planted by the company I worked before, moved from Bali to Ishigaki. A small island in northern part of Japan. First came, all I can say was only ohayo, konnichiwa and konbanwa. But now, I can speak and read the hiragana, katakana and some kanji. I was told by my other half before that I am so noisy while driving. What??? I want to learn the language, so that I am pointing the curls and strokes all along the way. And nagging him to tell me the meaning and to read. Noisy? Yes, definitely for sure I was noisy to top of my lungs.

Second part, I am not used to eat with chopstick. I can use chopstick, even among us three siblings, I am the first mastering how to use it. But as daily eating apparatus? I used to use my hands at home and fork, knife and spoon while on dinner table eating with my colleagues. I am amused on using two slender sticks to pick foods and put it into my mouth. Along the times, I had reached that without chopsticks I am not been able to eat. Except when I am eating Indian curry and naan. But for some reason, natto, wasabi and fresh seafood are out of my menu. Allergic reason.

Futon or bed? Thirty more years I used to sleep in bed. But here in Japan, I had to use futon. No problem as long as I have my stuffed toys around. So far, I have ten of them. The one I always hold is pyungte. A Kirin shape, big enough to replace bolster I am so missed from home. Then I have two futon sandwiched together with soft bed pad, and 100% cotton bedsheets. Also have blanket. I was wondering if my sleeping habit back in Indonesia prepared me to live in Japan. Even though it was hot back in Bali, but I always used blanket. Sleeping arrangement is okay for me. So far, I don't have any problem.

Transportation by means I used bicycle to go everywhere. Especially for going to work. There are
buses I sometimes use. And taxis. Even have one number ready on speed dial if ever I need one. After twenty years never riding bikes at first I wondered if I will be safe. But like old saying, practice will make you better. Done with those artificial living arrangements, I came to the most part of staying in Japan.

Being a Japanese. Not like I want to change my personality or even my ancestry. But here, if you stand out means they will give you hard times. I was wondering why here people are uniformed. Their personality, their attitude and their being presence. You may have different clothes, different shoes, even strange or bizarre haircut. But coming to become a proper Japanese means you had to be one. One mould, one thinking, and one attitude. I was educated by my parents to be frank, to be no gender biased person, and never having an iota of being racist. I am a woman, second class. Check. I am a foreigner, second class check. Being a foreigner, woman and well educated? It is hard. So hard that sometimes I want to admit defeat. One thing my parents taught me is that I can't admit I am beaten until the last effort in my pocket.

Educating Japanese to receive a woman having a better position, well educated, and can be equal with man is so hard. Chauvinist, now I really understand the meaning. I am not asking emancipation at the fullest, but at least try to receive us, women can do better. Alas, all I have is full throttle constraints from my male colleagues. Even someone told me that I need to put men above me to have a warmer reception. I tried, what happens next is they tried to put my head underneath their shoes. I had come to conclusion that being me is just being me. I don't want to be belittling anymore, I don't want the men to put restraints on me because I am a foreign woman with education and experiences under my belt to become subservient.

Being a Chef

I was born in a family with fondness of food and cooking. Yup, my father was a chef for the temple he used to attend. While my mother famous for her home cooking. Me and my siblings since the beginning was spoilt of having delicious and healthy foods. The repertoire both my parent's having are enormous. Let say, my father used to cook exotic meats. Dogs, monkey, snake, even the pangolins. Not to mention, wild boar, deer and shark. While my mother's dictionary ranging from Indonesian, Chinese, Hakka and Dutch. From both of them I think only me having the urge to make kitchen my dominion professionally.

After high school my mom offered me to attend the normal university. Being a secretary or English teacher. To please her I attend the exam test and got accepted for both faculties. But I also promised her that if ever I got accepted in cooking school, they have to accept my decision of becoming a chef. I passed the test for cooking school and I was named as the best candidate during the entrance examination. I was grateful that my parents also pushed me to learn English, and allowed me to read so many books so that I am not narrow minded when it comes the interview session I had during the exam.

 The beginning was just like playground for me. Basic cutting techniques, basic cooking methods and many other basic things. Was wondering though, why they taught us in French Culinary. But frankly to say, the basic of becoming a chef means that French is a must. Three years I spent there. With further one year to finish my paper. I got delayed because I had found a job as a chef in a cafe. Smelling money, my eyes turns green. Almost forgot that I am just merely an inch to finish my study. Until my mom, seeing me squarely that I need to finish.

Then I am embarking the life of being a chef. So many stories of those years to become what I am now. I used to lose my temper and throwing pots around for my minions to understand me. I even pointing knives once to my second in command because he kept doing the same mistakes. But the most extreme I ever done is when I broke the wine bottle and pointing the half to my CDP. The reason? He was drunk during working, and kept whining to be send home back to Indonesia. Now, I am more assertive in facing the situations within my kitchen. I always tried to see objectively and judge by logical thinking. I notice that being wiser in the kitchen much more needed than barking orders. And after being a chef for more than five years, means that I am more mature.

"To become a good chef means that you always have to sharpen your knives all the times. That is the basic rule in cooking" I learnt that from someone who gave me inspiration and aspiration to become a chef. He doesn't hold any Michelin star. He doesn't have the proper training of being one. He is just my dad.

In memories of my father, the first ever chef I ever encountered.

True Love

I am not expecting Prince Charming to come to my door and asking for my hand to be his wife. All I want is someone that is taller than me, older than me, and have decent job. He never came. I don't really mind not having someone at the moment, as my hands are full with two children I had inherited from my best friend. One is almost leaving his high school, while the other one is still in kindergarten. My works also gave me so much. Too much to handle. One of my jobs is being the chef in my own restaurant. While the other is being a wedding organizer, a partner in Seoul prominent wedding planner. And occasionally when someone offering me a script, I also doing movie or drama series. I get one under my next three months schedule. To be a star in a movie that will be shoot in Hongkong with none other than two biggest actors. Jackie and Andy. Told them that if I am needed, I will have to fly back home. It is always stated in my contract that I have the option of being free for three days top, if ever one of my businesses need my presence.

Two months into the filming, I was called by the new General manager of the Seoul Boutique Hotel that one of the shareholders cause him delayed in construction site. None other than Mrs. Kim. The one whose always gave me headaches for the three hotels prior this one. I almost got myself in suicidal mode because of her. With this one, I think I want to eat her.
" Lian, wants to eat lunch?" Andy ask me when I emerged from behind props.
" Nope, I want to eat someone back in Seoul" I am fuming to the top of my head. Wonder if anybody can see the smoke swirling atop. We were talking in mandarin. At that time, there is someone next to him. A famous singer who sings the soundtrack. We were introduced beforehand, and I don't know why, Jackie told him that I am not able to speak mandarin. And when he hears me speaking in Chinese, he was blushed. I know that he pumped many informations about me through Michael my assistant. And Michael also said that I am illiterate in Chinese.

Back from Seoul after three days, I got a small package of the famous Macau Egg Tarts with a bottle of tea in my chair. I don't know who send it. Then within few days, I received many small things throughout the day. Then I found a book I am really looking for. Analects of Confucius, with one red rose slipped in one of the pages. Then a note, stating "ni ai wo ma?". I look up and saw him. It was from him, all of those small packages. We had spent so many times talking and opening our hearts each other. I told him that to have a relationship with me will draw bloods, eager sacrifices and sometimes suffocating. One of my previous boyfriend told me that my love is choking him. And even one of my blind date told me that I have excess baggage because I have two children. I read the page where he slipped the rose and note, it is stated about relationship between man and wife. Then I know, we were ready to take the next step.

And here I am, standing next to him in front of his family. The Yang jia, in Baotou as he is from Inner Mongol accepting me to be their daughter in law. The guy I am married to? Yes, he is taller than me. Older than me. And have a very very decent job as a famous singer. The plus part is, he got ink in his right shoulder. He wears earrings, I don't mind. He has beards, make him sexier. But most important thing is that he offers me his true love. By accepting not only me, but also my two children. But wait, there is something I am still aware. His birth sign is mouse, while I am snake. Will I always win in every aspects??? As I had win his heart......


Narcissism sometimes needed when you are having dream that you are knowing it will never meant to be true story. But if it's become reality, embrace.

Me You

Me: do you love me?
You: never falter

Two days later.....
Me: do you love me?
You: never change

Another day within few months.....
Me: do you still love me?
You: I had loved you for thousands years, and always will

End of the world, when the apocalypse come nearer....
Me: do you have regret to love me?
You: yes. When it comes to end like this

Me, you and the world had come to the end. But the story between us will never fade, two hearts that will never change to love each other. Even when our two worlds entwined only during the certain time of a year.

A memory of Altair and Vega, two hearts that become one despite different nature......

Kuragukan Cintamu

Salahkah diriku bila pernah meragukan cintamu

Kau menghampiri saat diriku ada di langit lepas, bak layangan yg terputus tali senarnya 

Kau datang menawarkan secangkir kebahagiaan untuk melepas dahagaku akan cinta

Untuk sementara dirimu pun menjadi air kehidupan bagi diriku

Aku merasa dirimu yang sempurna tak sebanding denganku yang bersayap patah

Rusak dan terbuang oleh cinta baru yang ditawarkan oleh kemudaan dan kemolekan 

Salahkah diriku bila pernah menduakan cintamu 

Ketika putik cinta yang dulu pernah datang menghampiriku untuk yang kedua kalinya 

Dirimu memberiku ruang untuk rasa lama yang sekarang ada

Ketika aku mencoba untuk menulis cerita baru dengan nada sumbang sama

Waktu aku terhempas untuk kedua kalinya

Dirimu menjadi bahu tempatku bersandar dan memecahkan tangis 

Salahkah diriku ketika aku meminta cintamu untuk mengisi ruang kosong dalam hatiku

Setelah aku berpaling dan kembali dengan hati koyak 

Kau tetap membisikkan kata kata cinta 

Mengeja huruf yang menafikan bilur penyesalan dalam relung terdalam 

Dan menawarkan hatimu untuk menjadi milikku

Dan cinta yang sekarang ada 

Akankah terus menjadi bara yang menghangatkan