When You're Gone

Your laugh that had captured everybody's heart
Seems just yesterday still around
Your heart that reached the corner of the world
Seems just recently still shines
Your words that a music for those many people
Seems just few moments still echoing

Everything was gone
Wiped away
With no trace
When you had cast no shadow upon the path anymore
When you had faded away into oblivion
When you had disappeared into nothingness

When you're gone
There will be no more laughter
There will be no more soft spoken words
There will be no more fierce power
Like there is no more tomorrow

Darkness
That make presence
Dullness
That make appearance
Vaguely lingering
Seeping through the diminished sun rays

You are still needed
Still wanted
Always longed
For eternity that will surrounding this world
Miss you and your existence
To bring the smiles back again

One Day

This day, the one we are going as two
To become one
Because we are meant to be together

You will give me the shelter, becoming my rock, and cherishing
I will stay under your wing, providing balance, and nurturing

I was made from your rib
To be taken as your wife
The one that will help you
To be the true you
You were made to be next to me
The one that I will call my husband
To lead me in this life
To bring the essence of my presence out

Our story will be written upon the skies
Adorned by rainbow after the rain
Decorated by twinkling stars during dusk
Burnt to live by the sun on broad daylight

Hoping that this love will lasts forever
Hundreds, no
Thousands of years to come
And let our names whispered to describe eternal love

Is it hard to love me

My hands was asked to hold yours
To walk together this life will offer
I was happy
I was elated
Then you start to turn around

You said that being with me is no longer necessary
No more happiness
No more joy
He started to walk away
From me and our unfinished story

Is it hard to love me
To feel all the feeling that brought us together before
Is it hard to love me
To hold our hands the way we used to be
Is it hard to love me
To face the world being a couple

I will not beg you to stay
If my plead caused you pain
I will never ask you to be with me
If my presence no longer needed

I hope you will find your happiness
Another story to be written with other heart
And let our past wiped away
Just like footprints in the sands
Erased by the upcoming waves

Liburan

Yup, dua minggu liburan. Dari Denpasar ke Gilimanuk naik bus, lumayan dapat patas. Gak gerah karena pakai ac. Agak mahal tapi nyaman. Sambung naik kapal feri ke Ketapang. Sempat ngopi sebentar di dermaga, sekalian memori masa lalu. Masih ada juga anak koin. Kalau dulu seratus rupiah, sekarang udah gak laku. Kulemparkan beberapa koin ke arah mereka. Limaratusan. Kulihat tawa mereka. Hatiku menangis, demi koin koin itu mereka mempertaruhkan nyawa. Lepas dari dermaga, aku memilih angkot jurusan Banyuwangi kota. Ada satu tempat yang ingin aku kunjungi. Biasa, nguprek kuliner asli. Nanya sana sini, dapat informasi rujak soto terkenal. Naik becak dari terminal, aku sampai di depan sebuah warung kecil. Bersih, rapi, ramai. Berarti nggak salah informasinya. Plang besar menunjukkan beberapa menu. Ada rujak soto, pecel rawon, sego cawuk, dan sego pindang. Nanya ke mbak pelayannya, boleh gak milih separuh. Separuh rujak soto, separuh pecel rawon. Boleh katanya. 

Jepret sana sini waktu pesananku datang. Biasa, bahan buat tulisanku nantinya. Suapan pertama rujak soto bikin aku melayang. Ternyata enak, pake bingits. Pecel rawonnya mantap. Masih lapar, aku lanjut dengan sego cawuk. Nasi yang disiram kuah kelapa, dengan lauk pilihan. Aku memilih pindang ikan, telur separuh, dan dadar jagung. Kali ini full portion. DI depan meja kasir ada beberapa piring besar berisi makanan kecil lokal. Langsung sepiring tanggung wader dan udang kali goreng, tahu petis dan peyek rebon pindah ke mejaku. Masih sempat juga aku mengambil krupuk putih seplastik. Krupuk kancing katanya. Ternyata nggak salah, warung ini terkenal. Semuanya enak. Bintang tiga setengah. Bukannya pelit, tapi aku selalu memberikan penilaian ke warung sebagai tiga atau tiga setengah. Belum pernah empat. Aku dengan pendidikan yang cuma SMKK terjun sebagai food writer. Lulusan tahun sembilan delapan Sudah stw. Sudah waktunya memiliki keluarga. Apa daya, cintaku tertinggal di Malang. Tujuanku selanjutnya. 

Tiba di Malang aku langsung menuju hotel tempatku menginap. Hotel kecil, bersih dan dekat tempatku sekolah dulu. Seputaran Celaket. Ada rindu mengoyak hati. Ingat ketika SMP dulu, jajan lewat jendela kelas. Ingat juga pohon kenitu di dekat lapangan basket. Ingat juga Cungkring. Lelaki impian. Dua tahun lebih tua dariku. Dialah yang mendukungku untuk masuk SMKK ketika tahu betapa bencinya aku dengan matematika dan pelajaran eksak lainnya. Matematika itu momok buatku. Aku tidak suka angka. Tapi aku mencintai tepung, gula dan garam. SMKK dianggap pilihan anak buangan. Anak bodoh tepatnya. Tapi aku cinta dunia kuliner. Meskipun awalnya orangtuaku kalap me dengan pilihanku, mereka akhirnya menyerah. Terakhir bahkan mendukung ketika aku menjadi juara di beberapa kompetisi. Semester akhir kelas tiga, aku mengirimkan resep ke salah satu kompetisi memasak internasional. Hadiahnya beasiswa ke Singapore. Aku gagal jadi juara, tapi  aku ditawari pekerjaan sebagai asisten juru masak keliling. Promotional chef. Kerja untuk beberapa perusahaan. Mulai dari bumbu masak, panci, sampai terakhir sepuluh tahun lalu aku bekerja untuk sebuah  website khusus traveler. 

Selama bekerja sebagai promotional chef, aku juga rajin menulis di beberapa majalah. Review makanan, restaurant, bahkan sempat tulisanku tentang traveling dijadikan serial di majalah terkenal. Setelah tulisanku dimuat, aku diminta untuk bergabung di TravelMarket. Enam tahun aku bergabung di website sebelum aku memutuskan untuk berhenti. Aku independent writer sekarang. Home baseku di Bali. Di daerah pinggiran kota Denpasar, sebuah rumah kecil lengkap dengan isinya. Dengan seorang asisten rumah tangga, dan dua ekor anjing aku merasa hidupku begitu nyaman. Hingga aku lupa memikirkan pasangan hidup. Terlena oleh assignment untuk pergi mereview kuliner. Sudah banyak tempat kujelajahi, bahkan tahun kemarin aku sempat sebulan keliling Eropa. Review kuliner Indonesia di beberapa negara. Assignment yang kuterima dari kementrian pariwisata lewat TravelMarket. Biaya hidup, ongkos perjalanan dan sedikit uang saku. Lumayan bisa melihat Amsterdam, Lucerne, London, bahkan sempat dengan uang sakuku sendiri aku ke Lourdes.
Di Malang aku ingin pergi ke beberapa tempat yang sudah lama ingin aku kunjungi. Sekolah lamaku, pasar klojen, pasar tawangmangu, Batu, Sengkaling, dan beberapa tempat lainnya. Tujuan utama
adalah liburan dan ngulik makanan. Tujuan keduaku? Aku ingin pergi ke tempat Cungkring dulu
pernah membawaku. Giliran pertama, bakmi gang djangkrik. Naik angkot ke restaurant yang di daerah Blimbing. Masih tetap rasa yang dulu, gak berubah blas. Kelar yang di Blimbing, aku balik hotel. Nanya ke resepsionis, ternyata Kupang Lontong di Cipto masih. Kalau mau jalan cuma sepuluh  lima belas menit. Menyusuri Jalan Cipto diriku dipayungi oleh pohon kenari yang berjajar rapi. Kupang, lontong separuh plus heci. Minumnya es legen. Wah, serasa balik ke jaman dulu. Sempat ngobrol dengan mbak pelayan, nanya tahu campur dekat pasar klojen. Kurang tahu, jawabnya. Ya sudah, toh hari ini rencananya juga makan malam mi dukduk. Ingat Cungkring. Beberapa kali malam mingguan di sana. Murah meriah enak. Apakah aku masih bisa mengingat dia? Ketika kita sudah berubah. Mungkin dia sudah berkeluarga, punya anak anak yang pasti dia sayangi. Lengkap dengan seorang istri yang cantik.

Malam ini aku mulai mereview beberapa catatan kecilku. Mulai dari Banyuwangi, makanan yang ditawarkan di kereta api, sampai ke mi dukduk. Catatan ringan tentang kuliner atau cerita perjalanan ku tulis di blog pribadi. Sementara yang review makanan di blog lain, dengan link ke TravelMarket. Tengah malam ternyata perutku minta diisi lagi. Biasa karung beras gini, suka mangap minta tambahan. Ke resepsionis, nanya nanya. Ada bakso tengah malam. Depan hotel mangkringnya, enak sih kata si mas. Langganan tamu. Tapi pakai bab1, karena yang jual turunan Tionghua. Coba ah.
"Mas mau bakso semangkok, boleh pilih isi nggak?" Tanyaku ke masnya. Dua buah bakso, tahu isi, usus, pangsit, siomay, dan bihun. Ada tetelan plus sayur cay sim. Masih kurang. Tambah dua bakso, usus, siomay plus pangsit. Puas. 

Chinese Bride

Part IX

I have to move to other room while my own is being set up to accommodate two people. And since my brother's room is vacant, my sister designed to joining those rooms. With additional space, I can have the study room I really long for. I already choose the new furnitures and next week they will finish it. Every morning I call Mujin. Talking about many things. Planning about the wedding. My mom already busied herself trying to figure out what kind of wedding I need to have. I am still thinking on my projects. Seeing Jeon very carefully, and teach him how to deal with many things. Then the invitation come. On the very same day with my wedding day I need to attend the restaurateur awards. A yearly event to congratulate the best in categories. Personally I was nominated for two awards, one for best chef and the other for best black box competition. The best chef is for the bistro type of restaurant while the black box is the one when the committee brought one box of ingredients, and the chef need to cook on the spot on that day. RSVP, I check on the box saying no. I am not going to waging war with Kun Ge or our families. 

My parents want to have a big wedding for me. With more than 300 hundreds invitations. I want to have smaller. But they vetoed my choice. I am the youngest, so my parents need to have a big one as a sign for closure. No more wedding afterward. Besides, they want to show that finally I am the one branded as spinster will be married with someone rich and famous. I have a godfather. My father closest friend. I used to be his private chef when he is having fishing trip. Two days on the weekends. Once every two months. When he hears that I am about to be married, he send me a gift. A pair of expensive watches, and a set of diamonds jewelry. With invitation to have dinner together for Kun Ge and I. I was invited for a talkshow together with Kun Ge in Beijing. But I declined. I am not celebrity.  Then one magazine contacted me to have my wedding featured in their bi monthly wedding section. I declined as well. I don't want my life be scrutinized. I am not that kind of person. One day, they will know me. But not under so many flashlights. I don't think that being married with Kun Ge will bring me too many headaches. I prefer to have another restaurant to be open rather than this. 

On the wedding day. After eight weeks of preparation.

I don't know, but lately I feel that I am so easily to get tired. I lost my appetite. And I also miss my last month period. I used to have irregular menses. Because of stress, because of tiredness. And right after I was proposed, suddenly poof. I stop drinking and smoking. That is my promise to myself. But today, on this very important day I feel that I can't stand anymore. I feel that I have no power even to lift my arms. But the red qipao and the matching shoes are waiting. Along with my groom. I put my light make up on, and try to wear my wedding dress. As per our agreement before, this is only for signing papers and few pictures to be taken for the press. Then family dinner afterward. I try my best to look better, and to conceal my fatigue. I do everything quite smoothly until the last minutes. But when the door for press conference at one of the hotel was closed, I fainted. Lucky Ken Ge ready to receive my lifeless body before reaching the floor. Using the service elevator he brings me upstairs to my room. Our families are already waiting at that suite to have a little drinks before dinner, but when they see Kun Ge carries me they start to worry. My sister in law is a doctor. And she starts to check on me. Kun Ge offering me a glass of water but after taking one sip, I almost run to the bathroom. I vomit. Kun Ge follows me to the bathroom and helping me. When we emerge from bathroom after fifteen minutes, our families are laughing and grinning. Mujin brings me to her embrace. And my mom pat my hair. 

"Tomorrow morning check your urine." My sister in law tells me while handling me a test pack. I just look at Kun Ge face. 

Holding hands, Kun Ge and I waiting for the result from the test pack. Two lines. A pregnant bride. I grin to him. So, here we are. Two future parents. We opt to skip breakfast to go to hospital. Need further checking. The waiting seems hours but actually it is only ten minutes before the doctor meet
us. After checking my urine one more time with blood test the results are the same. Calculating the last period I had, the doctor tells that I conceive for six weeks. Then by sonogram we can see two
little dots. Not only one. I am going to have a pair of fraternal twin. Back in the hotel, I show the picture to Mujin and my mom. I feel that I need to readjust my life again. Being a bride, not yet a
wife. Then without further ado need to prepare myself being a mother of two. How can this happen, I am consider a hopeless person. Never think that I will be able to conceive only few weeks after loosing my virginity. Poof, suddenly a bride. Boom, next is being a mother. Our plan is not to wait for  having baby, considering our age. But this instance? I feel the urge to turn back the clock, and reconsider to have safer sex with him. It is not that I am not happy, but I also feel the urge to turn back the clock and take the other way around. 

Lembar Baru Dalam Hidup

Bertahun lamanya aku tercerabut dari akarku
Pergi meninggalkan kehangatan rumah
Meninggalkan semua yang selalu kurindu

Aku pergi tanpa pernah ingin kembali
Tanpa ragu ataupun bimbang

Tapi desakan kalbu selalu mengingatkanku
Akan esensi keberadaan diriku
Tentang siapa aku

Aku akan datang
Untuk sekelumit cerita perjalanan
Sejumput keceriaan

Aku telah bersarang di tempat baru
Pahit, suka, duka, tawa
Telah menawanku

Lembar baru dalam hidupku
Telah kubuka
Dan Akan ku tulis cerita baru
Kisahku yang utuh dengan tawa dan canda

Hatiku Bukan Pualam

Hatiku terbuat dari darah dan daging
Punya rasa
Punya rupa

Ketika kau berubah menjauh dariku
Hatiku berdarah
Tanpa pernah mengiba
Tak pernah memohon untuk menetap

Hatiku pernah pecah
Dan serpihannya telah aku kumpulkan
Kurekat dengan tangis
Bukan karena sedih
Tapi karena amarah

Hatiku bukan pualam
Dan ketika ia retak
Takkkan pernah sempurna
Kembali utuh tanpa celah

Kulukis dengan goresan baru
Kuhias dengan sepenuh raga
Agar hatiku takkkan pernah terluka kembali

Aku lelah menjaga hatiku
Kepada siapa akan kutitip
Sehingga takkan pernah pecah

Hatiku bukan pualam
Jagalah dia dan bahagiakan
Rengkuhlah dalam kedamaian



Edisi: mencari pasangan hidup